The sun washes everyone and everything in a soft orange hue, taking the edge off all sharp edges. Everyone and everything appeared a little warmer… a little kinder.
I look down at the yellow material barely covering my slightly browned skin. When I woke up this morning to the beating sun, I knew that it was the perfect day to wear this dress. This little sundress with the swirling shades of yellow, and the tiny white flowers meticulously stitched among the soft seams.
As the heat of it’s soothing embrace soaks into my aged skin, it dawns on me just how much I relish it’s company. His presence makes it a little harder to accept the fact that I won’t be on this earth for much longer.
It’s the kind of yellow that fills my mind with memories of warm days spent basking in a humble sort of heat. I’m so happy that the sun finally decided to show his face again.
I used to spend days dwelling on how cold and unforgiving this earth can be, but now, as I stand outside looking at its beauty, I can’t help but want to turn back time and slap myself across the face.
Breathe in, breathe out. I inhale the rich sweetness of the fresh spring air. As I fill my lungs with its scent, a feeling of new beginnings sweeps throughout my body. I’d decided earlier that today was a good day to do without shoes, and I plunge my toes into the soft green grass. I am glad I hadn’t worn shoes.
I almost wish it were still cold out. If my ancient bones were still rattling beneath my leathery skin, maybe then I would welcome the inevitable movement of time. Maybe then, it would be easier to say goodbye. Then, I am almost certain, I would welcome death. But of course, here is the sun, that bright orange ball hanging in the sky that I have always loved so dearly. It has grown up with me; watched me as I fell from my new bicycle and marred my skin on the tough asphalt. Watched me as I fell in love, hard and fast with a young naive heart that believed it was indestructible. And now, is watching me as I am falling closer and closer to the end of it all.
If I look closely, I can see tiny flowers springing up from the earth in little specks of baby blue and lilac. A soft breeze whistles through my dress, sending it from my legs and into the open air. The shades of yellow intermingle with the wind, and I relish the heat against my skin. Invisible strings pull at the corners of my lips, and my mind is lulled with quiet thoughts of tiny, meaningless nothings.
I enter the park, and suddenly, I feel out of place. As I drag my heavy feet across the paved walkway, I gaze longingly at this small group of children, playing in a bed of grass by the swingset. I don’t understand how this could be, but the grass, touched by their tiny toes, seems a little more vibrant than the surrounding patches. Their sporadic squeals of childlike innocence and joy floats in the air, and makes my bones feel a little less fragile. I offer a weak smile as I pass, the strongest thing I could muster, but they don’t notice my old decrepit body, and if they did, they probably wouldn’t glance twice. Why did I even think that I could mean anything to them? Or anyone for that matter.
Suddenly, I notice a dark figure pierce through the perfect spring setting. It was hard to look away from him; his weary dark body stood in stark contrast against his youthful surroundings. A feeling of uneasiness sweeps throughout my body as I see each little line deeply engraved into his leathered skin. The air suddenly feels thick and heavy, and I struggle to fill my lungs with anything at all. My stomach sinks to the deepest recesses of my body. My young, drawn eyes meet his, and they lock for a brief second, before they shift towards the sidewalk once more.
Gone. Just like that, he has passed. His eyes linger in my mind, haunting every corner. I felt as if those expired eyes, that had burrowed themselves so deep into his decaying skin, spoke to me in a way that escapes words. They held secrets, memories that would never be brought to the light. The air no longer feels fresh and youthful, instead a stench of rotten, decaying fruit hangs thick around me. A chill rushes up my spine, gently touching each bone in my body, and I feel as if his wise, old eyes are still watching me.
I notice a young girl, sitting on a browned bench that closely resembled the shade of her skin. She had on this yellow dress; the brightest yellow I have ever seen. The colors seemed to leap out from the fabric, and fill the air with a warm, comforting aura. Suddenly, her eyes blankly look toward me, and just as quickly turn away. Of course. Why would young pretty eyes care to look at such a grotesque form of a being. As I pass her by, I whisper goodbye. Not just to her, but to all of my surroundings that I will not open my eyes to see another day. To the children playing in that vibrant green grass, who have no inkling of death. To the birds singing their sweet song, filling the air with a comfort that I hate to leave. To the sun, that has been one of the only constants yet has flown before my eyes like a dream. If only they could grasp the concept that soon, their skin will be aged like mine, and they too will have to accept the quickening pace of time.
Suddenly, this dress is not warm enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment