My cheek stung. My nervous habit getting the best of me as I gnawed away at the soft tissue of my lip as I got closer to the next step of my life. Did I look ok? Did I forget my money? Lord I hope I remembered deodorant! I climbed those concrete steps praying that I didn't trip. As I reluctantly inched my way to the school building thoughts were whirling around my brain. Keep your head up, you need to look confident. Should I smile? No, of course not that’s weird. I wrap my hand around the cool metal handle of the door and pull. Just breathe.
…
Sweat beads along my hairline as I stare into the blinding light. I feel the heat rise to my cheeks. My feet feel heavy on the wooden stage, like I could fall through at any moment. Honestly, I would prefer that. I look into the darkness in front of me trying to focus on something, anything to make me look a little less like a deer in headlights. Her words pound into me. A stone hammer coated with barbs ripping into the deepest inches of my being. You’re fine, just breathe. In and out. Her frustration is undeniable, as it rolls uncontrollably across her lips. I’m sorry. I’m trying! I don’t know how to fix it. It’s just me alone in front of a one person firing squad. If you thought I couldn't do it, why am I here? I want to shrink inside myself, to fade away like a shadow in the sunlight, but I can't. I have to stand there and brace it. Do better. Show her that you are better. You are better. Just breathe. Chin up.
…
“P for potential” was branded across my chest. Enslaved to my own mind, I work tirelessly for others. My mouth waters for the taste of approval. Every move, every breath was screaming for recognition. It’s not working. I’m not loud enough. Why can’t I get this? I need to show them. They need to see. Finally, a compliment. Pride rushes through me, but leaves as swiftly as it enters. I need more. Chains were wrapped around my heart and my head, that only one key could unlock. It never occurred to me that it was in my back pocket all along. I just needed to find it. I needed their acceptance, so I could... just breathe.
…
I slide my palms down the side of my leggings attempting to dry them, but the sweat returns seconds later. My foot taps vigorously on the floor , while my teeth chew away at my inner cheek. I can do this. You know what you are doing. I force my hand to shut my binder, to shield my eyes from the endless notes; they can’t help me now. I close my eyes and let my mind fall willingly under my thought’s curses. Why do you do this to yourself? What joy is there? You just seem miserable.As I turn their words over in my head, they soon start to become mine. Why do I do this? I know the answer, but why is it so hard to believe? It makes me happy. Except, it doesn't. Why? A smile tugs at the corner of my lips. I reach to my back pocket and run my fingers along the rough edges of the long desired key. The doors open and it’s time. I walk into the room I’d been dreading for weeks, but I felt nothing by utter content. I look up at the table, suddenly very aware of the multiple pairs of eyes, glowing with intending judgement. Do this for you. Just breathe. Chin up. Smile.
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